HOPE

I think in all our lives we are going to have times that truly test who we really are. I hope as I have gone through the worst chapter of my life (I hope) that I have become a better person. I hope I have truly found out who I am, what matters most, and discovered what matters most to me in life. I felt like I lost what mattered the most, but all it meant was that I had to make what was left matter. I love my children with all my heart. I hope they know that, knowing my parents love me and are always there, has made this transistion bearable, I am not so alone.
I have had to learn to love my sweet Davis in a new way. I need to HOPE that he will continue to learn and grow and develop and reach his full potential in this life, whatever it may be. I need to hope that as his mother from a distance I can hold him close and teach him the best I can when I am with him. It is painful to even write about it. Ethan and Lauren are so precious and how quickly life can change into something you don't expect. I need to cling to the moments that matter, and make them count.
My youngest, Lauren, is in Grade One now and I need to teach her all I can when she is home and hope that she takes it with her and grows up to be the amazing girl I know she is. She is stronger for having a brother with special needs, and having to take care of him at such a young age and love him, when she can't be loved back, and understand that Family, no matter how it is constructed is the most important thing. Lauren loves life, and we can all learn from her vivacious spirit to love all the little things around us and to laugh and dance through life. It makes it better.
Ethan is almost 12. To me, age 12 is a monumental milestone in growing up. He is almost a young man. He is going to have to make big decisions and choices. I hope I have done a good job the first 2/3 of his life in my home to teach him to choose the right, for that will make you happy. He is such a wonderful boy. He has had to learn to step up and be a "man" more than I imagined he would at this age. He helps with his younger siblings, he helps around the house, and he is somewhat responsible. Hee hee. He is changing so much this year physically, it is astonishing. I love who he is becoming and I love having conversations with him, it isn't so lonely because I can have real conversations with someone.
I feel like I am the luckiest Mom in the world. I am grateful for HOPE and the knowledge I have that I am not alone. That God lives and he really does listen to my prayers. I hope I never forget that, and remember this last year and how much I have grown because of it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but for me, I hope it has made me a better person. Divorce is like waking up every day, getting hit by a bus, and being expected to carry on like it is no big deal. Placing a child in a group home has been a nightmare. I feel like someone took one of my arms off and said, "It's no big deal, it will be easier now." It isn't easier, just different, because I enjoyed every moment being his mom, even the hard ones that made me cry. I just miss him and being a part of his life each and every day. The guilt and heart break is unbearable, but I know I will always be his Mom and he knows who I am. We have a bond, no one will understand it and others often thinks he is incapable of love, but I have never felt love like I have shared with him.
HOPE is amazing and I hope you all have it in your own life. If not, pray for it and then wake up and do your best.